EP 122 & 123: Exploring the Enneagram: Insights into Parenting Styles & Personal Growth with Terrie Power

All right, Terry, welcome to the show. I am so excited to chat with you about enneagram and motherhood and just diving into all nine types to start. Can you just tell us, you know, a little bit about yourself and your journey to and with the enneagram?

Absolutely. I'm so excited. Thank you for having me today. Talking with parents and especially mothers is one of my favorite things to do. And so I'll just a little bit about me. I started out, I am a speech language pathologist and so I am married, I have two children. Been married 28 years. That's hard to imagine.

Congratulations. That's phenomenal.

Yes, it's been, it's been an amazing journey. And the enneagram helped us with that journey. And so it's always great for relationships with parents as well as just as moms. I have two boys. One is a senior in college. He is a mechanic engineering and material science major at University of Texas in Arlington. And then I have a senior in high school and he is graduating this year and attending University of Texas at Arlington to major in physics and nuclear engineering.

So I have, my boys are smart so they are, they are, they both have unique personalities and I love them super proud to be their mom.

It has been such an honor to raise them and I love each section as a mom and that's what looking at personalities I really loved as a mom, trying to figure out who I was. And raising Children. And I got into typology really early because I always had trouble finding who I was. And so that led me through lots of things, Myers Briggs, all of the things.

But then I found the Enneagram as another resource and I really fell in love with it, decided to become certified as a coach because of how it digs deep into the motivations and really opens a new way to look at things. And so I became a certified ideogram coach as well as a productivity coach and a relationship coach through several different certifications. And after COVID and Zoom became so easy, started a virtual coaching practice in addition to being a speech language pathologist in the school system. 

So that's, that's been my journey to get here is because my biggest passion for years, I've helped people achieve their goals and find their unique personality through speech pathology. But now it's going even further and, and taking all those things to really help people. So that's what I love to do.

Wow, that's amazing. I also love how you talk about how the and how, how the enneagram has helped you and being able to leverage what we can uncover about ourselves through the enneagram, I think is such a fabulous tool to have in our toolbox. I, I think that it just gosh, it's like opening up your brain and your mind and your heart and just like reading the small print that has been there all along. But you didn't even realize that you realized it. I don't know if that even makes sense, but that is how I feel about the enneagram. Oh, great.

Yeah, it's, it's a wonderful tool.

So our primary focus today we're gonna be hitting each of the nine enneagram enneagram types and talking about, you know, what general characteristics and parenting might be like for them, we're gonna go into challenges and tips on how each type can move away from the challenges and into more of a, a thriving state. And so I want to say to the listeners, I highly encourage you to listen to what Terry has to say about each type, even the types that are not your own, even the types that are not, you know, one of your wings, anything like that. 

Because chances are your partner falls into a different type than you. And I would be willing to bet that you absolutely have friends who are different types than you. So, learning about all nine types and how they view and how they, you know, their struggles and, and their, their challenges and parenthood is going to help you best support your partner and your friends.

So that's the first note that I wanted to say to listeners. The second note that I have for you guys is before Terry dives in this. I want to give you a heads up like this. Is not an intro to enneagram episode where we are talking about each epi or each episode, we are talking about each type. But this is like very much geared toward parenting motherhood.

Even probably there's gonna be overlap with fatherhood also. But with that being said, I do have plenty of episodes that you can reference. I actually made note of them before we started. So if you like want to go back and listen to some of these more intro to enneagram episodes, pause and go listen to those first. 

So episode 110 and 111 with Jackie Coban, it starts with an overview of the types and it also defines common enneagram terminology and then we touch a little bit on motherhood, but more specifically to time and task management routines, stuff like that. And then there is the Enneagram series that we did, which was episodes 54 55 and 56. 

That series is a group interview with representatives from each type. Super fun conversations, highly suggest listening to those. And then finally, episode 32 was the very first Enneagram episode we did with Audrey Net.

She goes deep into each type that is probably the best episode to listen to for your starting point if you're newish into the Enneagram world, she goes into you know, tips, best practices for determining your type. We talk about miss typing, she even answered listener questions. I think one of the listener questions had to do with like any agreement in marriage.

I don't know, there were some good questions. So those are my two notes to the listeners before we dive in. But you're not here to listen to my notes. You're here to listen to Terry and to learn about yourself and your partner and your friends and your support system in this journey of parenting, which man, it's a journey.

It is, it is a unique journey for everyone.

And I think that's what I love is. I really feel like we're all uniquely focused into a certain combination is. And as they listen to the ideogram, we realize it is not a simple nine number system. As you said, it goes deep, it goes, it can go way deep. We are going to just hit some that one. Probably the most questions I get when it comes to motherhood though is how do I determine the types of my children?

And so I wanted to definitely address that today. There are some things out there about that, but most leaders in the ideogram do not recommend typing children because of there's just a lot one, we believe that the way we're raised and the things we experience develop our type. I ideogram is not like some of the other types that you're born with because it's decision making or learning.

This is truly our desires, our motivations, it's inner. And so also we can't type anyone else. It only people can determine their type, an assessment can't even determine it. It can lead you to what you want, where you are. And I'm sure they've talked about that, but with Children, they don't know yet what motivates them. So one thing we recommend is don't, you may see characteristics in your children.

That's great. Being aware, your children are different is absolutely essential. But be very careful about assigning types or telling children what type they are. That is a very we found it, it can actually change the way they develop as well. So I just always like to start with that because I always get that question.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm so glad that you brought that up. becau I mean, I can definitely see how that would be such a common question. And I think as mothers, we have just this innate desire to know our children so well. And for moms who do appreciate the enneagram, they probably see knowing the type of their children as a way to better know them, to better serve them to better to be the best mom that they can be to them.

So I think it's actually really powerful to hear from you that, you know, we shouldn't try too hard to assign those types because we could inadvertently change them, which of course we don't want to do it it is hard because we want to encourage them.

And then, so then after I, usually, after I say that I get this panic look from people and it's like, how am I gonna w what do you mean where everything we do forms their personality? And it's like, oh my goodness, especially certain types are panicking already about. What am I gonna do to my child? And there's things in the ideogram we call wounds of childhood and yeah, it's there. But you know what we're naturally developing.

You are put here to be that mother to that child for a reason and it can be challenging. It can be a blessing but just focus on your growth and being the best version of yourself and your children are gonna turn out to be who they are, whether it's going through hard times, easy times, it makes us who we are. And so we'll see that today as we go through each time.

Oh, it gets me so excited for this conversation. I OK, we're just gonna, we're gonna get into it because I can't wait any longer. How, how do you wanna go through the types? Do you wanna go like one through nine? Do you wanna go 912345678?

What do you have a preference generally?

I always like, I hate to start with one because so many people start with one, but there's actually a reason. that we start with one. So we'll just start with one because that's kind of when people read, they see things and then when I get to nine, we'll explain why nines, even though y'all know y'all are always last and that's the hardest things for y'all. But there's a reason I'll tell you I at the end.

Yeah. Yeah. Ok. Good. So then let's, let's get to it. Let's start with type one which I don't know all of the types off of the top of my head. But I do know that type ones are commonly called perfectionists. Is that correct?

Yes. They, I, I love to call them the word I use through, through my trains and stuff is principled reformers sounds very, very out there. But because I think sometimes the world misperceives what perfectionism is because really what ones are about is making the world a better place. They just need things to be correct, not because they're just a perfectionist and can't, they just need things to be right and good.

And they truly are the ones who add goodness and righteousness and just love in the world with people. So you want one on your team, man. If you've got it in your family, man, they keep the family running. I love our ones, ones as friends are the best advisors. So you have mom friends that are ones, they are great at advising. So be sure to go to them.

That's awesome. So what are general characteristics in parenting and motherhood that ones might be experiencing?

So ones really have high expectations of themselves and their Children. They believe in order and rules. They're gonna have a lot of rules in their house and it can sometimes lead to strict perspectives within. Now, remember we all have moments of really healthy versions of ourselves and unhealthy versions. So moms right now I'm gonna interrupt and say especially once because y'all got that inner critic already going.

Oh She's and talk about what a bad mom. I am. No, y'all, everyone's amazing. We have our good days and our bad days and so just remember when we go through this, that y'all are all amazing, just had to say that there's not a single mom on this earth that doesn't deserve, deserve everything because of what you have contributed to this world.

So ones will hear that inner critic crying so sweet and I believe I, I Yeah, no, thank you for saying that that was beautifully cut well and I just know ones and that's one reason I do start with ones because y'all are the ones who are gonna hear this.

I'm from Texas in case y'all didn't know there'll be a lot of y'all in here.

So, so don't you worry? Yes.

So one really, they hear this inner critic and then it comes out to their Children and they hear your kids could be better. You could be better. They have this sense of responsibility, a grave responsibility in raising good, true, trustworthy Children who contribute to society. So, a lot of times one's Children do, they lay the foundation for Children to be extremely successful and they excel in boundaries and discipline, then they run into some challenges which so challenges for ones is that they have difficulty with spontaneity. 

A lot of times they, oh, disorder, tolerating things out of place now, that doesn't mean their houses are all clean. I have some friends who, because it's either perfect or not perfect. It's either complete mess or it's completely together because if they don't have to do it, time to do it right.

They don't do it at all. So don't assume that all ones have the perfect house and are perfect organizers and stuff. It just, it's all about what they're into and how they see the world, what is determined is right in their world. And so, they tend to put a lot of judgment on their families. They expect absolute honesty, forgiveness and lying is not accepted in a one's house.

So interesting, depending on what your spouse is that can cause some issues. So, because not every type values complete absolutely rigid honesty in the same way. So what I see is like there's these stress points for one. So really mom's watching for these things and these are things you can watch in your partner your friends when you're together as moms is, these are things that are really gonna trigger a stress point in a one.

It's feeling like you're doing everything and no one else is helping and then when you do ask people to do something, they don't listen and they don't do it. Right. And so there's a lot of stress for things to be done. Right. really being there for ones and helping them organize if they're willing to let go. they do not tolerate, if someone's being dishonest or the kids are being disobedient, it can be really hard on ones.

And don't criticize a one and how they're raising their families that just brings in all sorts of stress. And what that leads into is resentment. Ones go into resentment when they reach into their stress and that's when anger, anger is wrong. So they push it down but they can become resentful. So watch for resentment if you start getting really resentful and like, I don't understand why she won't do that. And I don't understand that. Realize there's probably some stress going on and it's time to, and look at that.

Right. Right. So what tips would you have for a one for moving away from challenges and into thriving so sorry ones.

I've got to say this first. It's about flexibility, practicing inflexible. So let's start with little things in your house or learning to adapt when unexpected things come out. Learn that progress in your Children and yourself is so much better than perfectionism, right? Just learn, learning to move forward and learning to try. So mess up your ok.

A lot of times you don't need to hear this, but once mess up your schedule every once in a while, do something unexpected, be careful about, you know, give your Children some flexibility. You don't want to train them that everything always goes just right as they're growing, that really hinder them. also be compassionate, oh be compassionate to yourselves and others.

But don't listen to that inner critic. That's always inside a one that's nobody's perfect. So practice grace journaling. when you're feeling down, call a trusted friend that's gonna lift you up because it's hard to be perfect all the time. And have fun. So ones when they grow, they move into a spontaneous seven. So when you're on vacation, you are so much fun ones, bring a little bit of vacation home, do something with your kids.

That's like you're on a mini vacation because for some reason, ones will let go when they are on vacation. So have fun and it doesn't always have to be planned. You don't have to structure your child's day and you don't have to be with your Children all the time. Give them some freedom and then the last thing is change the rulebook. So I've, I've worked with a lot of one clients lately and we talk about what is your rule book?

Because they think they just assume there's a rulebook and that everyone follows these rules. And what they don't realize is that most of us have general rules. They have subsections of subsections of this happens and this happens. And so let go with the rule book a little bit and allow some flexibility when you're, when you're planning your days.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Something that I'm sure I'll be saying throughout this conversation is just how something else that I really like about the enneagram. Is it it the types are so or can be so intertwined and you know, like a lot of what you mentioned with ones are things that I can also relate with too even though I myself am not a one.

So you know, relaxing the schedule a little bit, spontaneity, you know, I'm not generally a spontaneous person at all. I'm very, very structured and schedule oriented. So yeah, see guys, this is why I said listen to the whole conversation about every single type. So OK, awesome. Type number two is I do know this one also. So I know the first couple of ones because I'm a three.

So like I lean into type two, I lean into type 41. I used, I used to think I was a one. I used to think I was an eight. I know stuff about the things that like I have thought I was before. So, so type two I know is nicknamed the Helper. Talk to us about general characteristics, and mothering and parenthood that, that twos might be feeling. 

So,I mean, and making sure their kids just are totally supported and they, love to share, they shower their kids with treats and affections. and they go two ways. One is if you have, if you don't have a ton of Children, you will tend to shower all of them with, but then you can get overstressed because we're often volunteering and doing things and just showing your Children how to love on people and we love that too.

Are so goofy with their kids. Oh my goodness. I love watching twos with their Children. They really help their Children feel heard and loved. They're in that emotion se section. So they're ok with diving into emotions. They're great at positive reinforcement and supporting their Children. And I promise two's Children always feel extremely loved and nurtured when they're in that healthy state.

Oh, so what are some challenges? I feel like all everyone listening right now is like, why aren't I A two? So that's the kind of errand I wanna be. So so the dose of reality, what are the challenges?

So challenges are setting boundaries and prioritizing their well being twos can burn out. They struggle with setting boundaries and they often overextend themselves. So even though when they're home, their Children feel loved twos really have to watch over volunteering and always taking on something else that slowly then negates that love and nurture.

And so I have a saying when I work with my two clients, the first thing we talk about is every yes is a no to something. So realizing that every time you say yes to someone else, you are saying no to yourself, your Children, your family, you were turning down time or sanity. And so just realizing that just because someone asked, you do not have to say yes.

They have trouble letting their Children navigate their own path. They are constantly fighting for their kids, making sure that that and they'll do a lot of stuff. A lot of two Children don't learn independence at first. Now, if moms get really busy and overexert themselves, they can move into learning that. But the other thing is they just really are fixers.

They want to be loved more than anything else. And the way they're loved is by doing for people. And so it's really resistant to try to just constantly intervene for your Children and not let them be independent. And so when it comes to relationships, be careful too, will just take over. So you gotta watch your partner on that. And I'm gonna say a little point, you will recognize more of an unhealthy too. A lot of moms in the mother-in-law and I, I say that but a lot of times choose as they have lost their Children to you. 

And they, and if you don't, they will show up unexpectedly at houses, they will tell you what to do. They will give you unsolicited advice. And depending on your personality, we see a lot of mother-in-laws who are just who are just trying to help and feel loved, really struggle. So just be aware of that. That's where we see that a lot.

Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So what are your tips for moving away from the challenges into a state of Yeah. Thriving. I don't know why I keep like pausing when I say thriving.

You know, it's, it's good. It's really to think through. It's, it's something that's hard for moms to thrive sometimes. And so watch yourself as twos for triggers. You're gonna quit asking for help is your weakness. You will, you're too prideful to ask for help. You're gonna start feeling like people are pointing your flaws. You feel like you can't help anyone, you're starting to feel ignored, unloved.

And if you start really over exerting yourself and demanding people acknowledge you, oh, that's when you notice you're stressed. And so really learning to set boundaries prior prioritize your needs and your family's needs without feeling guilty and tell people, please find a good friend, lean into your spouse and tell them what you need.

Do not expect them just to know, and two is a lot of times people to know because they know like twos just they feel like they can do that and most people can't. And so it's ok to say I need some alone time or I need you to help with the laundry or can you please babysit my kid this time because I've babysat the whole neighborhood. So really reach out and say what you need, allow your Children to start doing some own things.

Develop chore charts, see, helping your Children to develop self sufficiency as the best way you are helping your Children and don't always rescue them and that's going to be hard. And as your Children get older, so you don't become that mother-in-law, develop your own interest, do your own thing start detaching from your kids and that actually is a healthy thing to do. 

So the biggest thing with twos is the boundary and asking for help because y'all are amazing and people will ask you for help whether they they don't stop to think because you always say yes. And so thank you to all the twos because you are the ones who are bringing the food when people are sick. You are the ones babysitting someone's child and you make other moms absolutely thrive. But allow people to do the same for you.

How are to the twos? We love you guys. We love all of you no matter your type. But two is just extra special. Thank you. All right, Terry. So we're moving into my type. All right. The achiever number three, type three. I can't wait to hear this one. I always love hearing my own general characteristics hit me.

Yes. And I love to one thing I added is we two words is I love it. It's the admirable achiever because people love being around threes, they're driven their success and when they're healthy, man, they're amazing. They're fun. They're entertainers are they, they really help people, man. They are like, let's accomplish something and let's do it together.

And they are, I just, I love threes that they push for moms, they really encourage their Children in various areas, man. They are like, let's get this. They are cheerleaders, they are coaches and they are pushing their Children to be their best and pushing themselves to be their best. And so I love threes because they are organized. They are re they love to try different things, especially in extracurriculars.

So imagine their Children are generally organized, responsible and extracurriculars until you know, we each on this, we all have the type that doesn't fit us and that's, that's always our growth. The biggest thing we can do is grow as mom is raise a child that's completely different from us. So how does that does that resonate with you?

Yes. Like so much, every single thing that you said.

All right, let's dig into your challenges. You feel a little personal.

Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear it. I'm ready. I'm ready.

The difficulty of slowing down and being present in the moment when you're always looking at that next goal and that success for the kids. sometimes and, and you're in the emotional realm, but threes are the countertop so they push emotion away. We don't like to talk about being vulnerable. We don't like to talk about emotions as threes.

And so threes really struggle sometimes with their children's emotional needs. It's like, let, no, let's get up, let's go. Come on, we're gonna get this done because that's what y'all are amazing at is keeping going even when life gets tough, man, y'all are there.

And so really being careful because y'all can impose visions or dreams on your Children that they don't have, especially if they're laid back or maybe like dreams that we would have for them instead of their own dreams.

Yes.

Yeah. You know, threes are the type that if their, their kid is watching the TV show and there's a, oh she's dancing that might be fun. Next thing you know, they're signed up for ballet lessons, they have a, you know, they, they hit the ball really good one day and next thing you know, they're on a major baseball team pushing, you know, and ones actually kind of do the same thing with their kids at times too.

So it's that one both threes. That's why they often is tied for each other. And so being aware of that in any kind of driven parent personality is find that balance between inspiring Children and dreaming the dream for them.

So we have to watch, makes me think so yesterday Eleanor who at the time that we're recording, this is almost three, the time it airs, she will be three. She was bouncing up and down in her bed. And she said, mommy, I'm, I'm like doing this like a ballerina. And then I said, do you wanna be a ballerina, Eleanor? And she goes, no, I wanna be a cow. And I, that's, that's good. I love that.

You had a girl and then later on at dinner, my husband and I were laughing about it and Eleanor was obviously at the table with us and Oakly looked at Eleanor and he goes, you want to be a cow? And she goes, yes. When I grow up, I want to be a cow. No, I want to be a horse. No, I want to say moo, I want to be a cow. So funny. So funny.

And again, it's like, you know, good luck with that one. But hey, you know, let him dream, let him dream. So let them dream fun. So yeah. And so that's really some of the challenges is also getting overwhelmed when you're not meeting goals when you have too many. And if unexpected things happen.

Life tragedies, just major issues and you're not able to focus on what you wanna achieve. Threes can really get overwhelmed and completely shut down. And so it can be really overwhelming at times because they're always going and sometimes the rest of the family can keep up with threes.

They're like, I can't do this people.

That's definitely a challenge that I face in my own life is slowing down enough to have those small moments. So perfect example, yesterday again, yesterday Eleanor was eating a snack up at the counter and she was wanting me to sit in the bar stool next to her and I kept telling her that I will in a minute, I will in a minute, I will in a minute because I'm taking the lunch boxes out of the or I'm taking the, you know, like Tupperware out of the lunch boxes and I'm spraying the stained shirt and I'm starting to prep dinner. 

And finally I was like, oh my God, Kaitlyn just sit down with Eleanor while she's eating her snack. You can do all of these things literally in five minutes, just stop. But that like I have to be so aware of it or else I will just keep, it's hard for me not to be being productive.

It's very hard, yeah, that productive and it's leaning into your two wing, you know, of just helping kid and using that. And so that's where you see some stressors. when it's funny, one of the biggest stressors for three is when people say slow down, you're doing too much. Why do you do that? It just really, so don't tell your three friends to slow down, just find ways to help them slow down, but don't point it out.

Don't point out their feeling my husband to hear that.

Yes. Yes. Hopefully you're gonna be listening to this episode.

Yeah. There's certain things that each type do not like ones don't like to be told they're wrong. Twos don't like to be told that, you know, don't tell them that they're doing too much. Same with threes don't say. And also don't point out in funny mistakes that threes and ones make, don't point out your failures, parenting because that, that's, that's really hard for them to hear.

Now, if it's something you really need to hear, then there's times to open up to that, but just be careful that can cause stress. when your kids decide that they don't want to put in the effort that you think is needed, it can really stress a three and then not being acknowledged for all that you're doing is hard for that. Two and three big.

One for me in al in most areas of my life. I have learned that just having some sort of acknowledgment, is huge for me.

It doesn't even have to be big, just something little goes miles and miles now.

So, be aware when you have three friends is to just compliment them, tell them what they're doing is good and, you know, point out the uniqueness and the things that they've helped you with. one of the things though that threes have to watch for when the stress point comes is you're gonna start kind of embellishing, trying to pretend to be something you're not, being real careful. Oh Yeah. 

Yeah, everything's great and I'm gonna do this and yeah, and threes tend to have those perfect Facebook pages that people are always like, man, they're like perfect and they don't want to show the side. So watch out if you start kind of embellishing to yourself or to others that life is so much better than it is or I've accomplished so much more. It's time to kind of dig into some rest time and at your growth.

So how can I thrive Terry? How can us threes thrive?

Oh The thing that y'all love to hear most is learn to be vulnerable. They're like, no, oh but really, especially as moms, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our Children and allow our Children to express range of emotions. So that's digging into that floor that you have, you know, really allowing yourself find a trusted, trust, your spouse, trust your Children, find a trusted friend that you can practice being vulnerable.

You don't have to do it on the air all the time. You don't have to do it to strangers. but just be willing to open up and show your kids it's ok to have emotions. That's one of the biggest things slow down a little. Now again, they don't like to hear that. We don't tell them to slow down. But you just said you gave the perfect example of fine moments to be present without focusing on what is can be achieved.

So a lot of this can be, I know you talk a lot about rhythm and routines and productivity. A lot of that can be worked into planned, slow down. So making sure that you make time in your week and what we call white space, make sure there are spaces in your calendar that have nothing because things are gonna go wrong and you need some time just to and learn meditation, learn to just breathe and really reflect in what are your achievements accomplishing like what is it doing for your whole family? 

And really work to respect your child's qualities even if it's not the same as yours and letting them be imperfect and not as imperfect like a one would need to be. But you know, they might be an average child and that's ok. Or, or if you have, you know, as a speech language, pathologist, threes really struggle with Children with disabilities or neural divergence and all parents do but just being ok with just accepting your kid as who they are even if they're struggling.

Yeah. So good. So good. All right. Let's move into type four. Terry talk to us about general characteristics and parenting.

That type fours might experience, oh, our introspective, individualist.

Other people can call me but I just love them because they are about beauty. They are about being individual. They are sensitive and attuned to their kids' emotions, man. These people know how to process emotions. They can help other people, man. Threes and fours hang out together because fours can bring out those emotions or share the things they love with their Children and really help them enjoy it.

They Children are forced, tend to feel, feel really self be that they can express themselves. They can be whoever for love, having individualized Children, they really have appreciation for creativity. And so they really help their Children with emotion, creativity and being who they are, whoever they are. They are great with that, which leads in to some challenges.

We all have so we're in the forest challenge and Fords. I just want to say same as two is like poors. You're amazing for who you are. You're not lacking anything, you're not missing anything. You are amazing. And I didn't say this to threes. I usually because we got to talking about threes. We couldn't run this world without you. Like y'all are the go getters and you help us take risks and we love that.

So find the three, they'll help you grow and be an amazing, amazing person. But the force man, there's nothing wrong and I think a lot of times force feel like there's this tragic flaw, something's missing. And so y'all are so unique. You show us the beauty, you show your Children the beauty of just doing uniqueness, being spontaneous and just feeling in the moment.

But with that, you can really feel alone as a mom, you can feel that other people don't understand you and taking everyone's emotions in dealing with emotions all the time can be extremely draining. And so, you know, fours really have to, it's really good to find social outlets and making sure that you're getting out there and really teaching your Children how to connect, but it's ok if you don't have an emotional child, right?

And that's hard to accept sometimes because some people aren't as emotional. And so we don't want to over and the melancholy getting stuck in melancholy. We're not saying that any certain type is more prone to depression or things. However, moms of fours and anyone around the four can experience postpartum are symptoms of post postpartum because they at first you enjoy melancholy, you enjoy being sad, but sometimes it can be really difficult to get out and you're afraid to let other people know that because you like the rain, you like, sometimes force, like being sad. 

They like reading, watching sad movies and, but be, watch yourself because you can stay there. And so don't, don't, don't forget to reach out and be ok and trust, find trusted friends who let you be. You, you'll know your, your stress when you feel rejected, you feel like you're, you're failing, you're missing something as a parent, you're never as good as that parent.

You're never as good as that three and that one and you just, you have your own unique way. And so if you start feeling envious and always looking at someone else, that's a sign that you're feeling inauthentic that you're over. You've just gone down too much in emotions and you need to take some time to grow.

Yeah. Yeah. So what are your tips for our forces practice?

Gratitude? Focus on positive aspect. And a lot of times please don't, don't tell forces. Oh, just get over it. Why are you always so sad? Let fours be but then find ways to show them the gratitude and really force focus on the positive aspects. Journaling, gratitude journals, huge for touching base with a friend is great. Develop resilience, tend to get past the emotions, learn to change your thought patterns, thoughts really affect emotions, not the other way around.

What we think is what makes us feel so learning to change your thought patterns and really like instead of thinking man, there's, I'm a horrible mom. It's like, man, I did this for my kids today. So really finding that thing and balancing life and responsibility. Yes. You still have to have structure and routine even though you hate it and then find it within the structure and routine. Put in the fun, the creative and that can help you to really get past and, and find, find a group, find a group, find someone that you can depend on and let you be you.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Ok, let's go. Let's, let's move straight on into fives now. Terry, tell us a little bit about our fives and parenthood.

They are analytical investigators.

They are, observant capable. They are, our researchers are over thinkers. they are very, they're not as withdrawn as a lot of people want to put them. They're actually really, fun. They're very empathetic, but they really want their Children to explore, discover things. They like to collect things. They love to explore new ideas, try new things as long as it's not too social, they really have a lot of energy.

So if you're five and since we're speaking to moms, there's a lot of five dads out there, we're finding more and more women are, becoming or typing as a five. But for a long time, it's very rare. Fives were rare as women for a while. I think it's because society, we just didn't lean that way. And so, but we're finding more and more that they're analytical, they're structured and people can almost say that, they're great parents but they're unaware of their body, they will work and not even realize they haven't eaten. 

And it's an interesting fact for you young moms who might get pregnant, fives have even said they didn't even realize their body existed until they got pregnant. Feeling something inside them was like, oh, Because they all in their head, they don't perceive their bodies. And so it's being, you know, it's great that, but they know things if you need to know something, call your five friend, she will know it, she will know every technique, she will know the strategies. 

They are the most capable and competent people out there. and don't get mad that they're always right. I'm married to a five. So that's a whole another level of heat. It's always right because they're not going to answer a question unless they know the answer, right. But they're amazing. So, they sound fabulous. And now I'm kind of wishing I had more traits of a five. So what are, what are their challenges? Terry?

The biggest thing is to really balancing the desire for their privacy and independence. They are. if you have extremely emotional demanding Children, it can be really hard on fives. And because as our definition of motherhood is caring and nurturing, as we said, like we define twos as the perfect moms. And that's not true. We, every kid needs a different mom.

And so sometimes, people can perceive and say things to fives and honestly, and fives don't like the baby stage is really hard for a lot of fives because it's, it's so unpredictable and they can't tell you what they need. But as their Children grow, man, you know, you're a great, just depend on your friends. Fives. I know we haven't got to growth, but part of it is, is during the babyhood, don't be afraid to ask for help and don't, because you don't want to tell, they don't want to be perceived as incompetent. 

So please, please be careful and I have to watch this all the time. If you're married to a five or have friends watch asking questions. It sounds crazy. But asking a question if it's to get knowledge is one thing. But if it's to be like, why didn't you, why didn't you are? Well, what about this? They just take everything that they should know everything and be responsible. So be careful with overloading and then fives you have limited energy and that's so

hard as a mom, you really do need some downtime. And so that's a big stress is when there's too much noise, they want to control the situation. They'll get greedy with their time. They'll shut the themselves away, they'll push their Children off on their spouse and that's ok. They don't push them off. They're asking their spouse to help, but that's how they feel. And so really, really be aware of your, when you're overstimulated, you do need more time alone than most people.

Yeah. Yeah. And I, I think that's a really good thing to know about yourself also and just a reframe that you could do is, you know, I'm not pushing my kids away just for the sake of pushing my kids away. What I'm doing is needing to refill myself so I can continue being the best parent that I can be. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's so important. I was just working with a group of coaching that I'm doing and we just did an energy audit and five energy audits are so great for you to do and I guess we'll move into growth but determining what drained you and what fills you up. So if you, if you're in a situation like the holidays that are, you know, summer holidays coming up, it's going to be, your Children are suddenly free from school and you're like what?

Yeah, you're starting to come as you're planning vacations, making sure you know that you schedule energy gainers around the drainers. It doesn't mean that you, you don't get there. You're going to make time for yourself and, and build in those times to reconvene and be present. Really trying to, one thing you can grow is to just force yourself to be present at times and not want to always go investigate. 

Let some spontaneity as well come in and just understand that if you have a really social child, depend on some social people to sign them up in clubs, get them involved in lots of things. You don't have to do it all. And the last thing I have to say for fives is I need you to hear. You do not have to have all the answers. It's ok if you're not rotten, if you make a mistake and you don't have to have all the answers. But thank goodness they're around because we could ask them because they do have a lot and we love them.

Yeah. Also for fives something you know, I don't know is an answer. It's an answer.

Yes, it is.

And it's ok and it's ok.

Yeah. OK. So what are your, your tips for growth or moving into thriving for our vibes?

I think the biggest thing is being willing to share your emotions. They're also very much not like to share their emotions. In fact, expressing emotions is almost impossible. Sometimes the wording. So getting an emotion will learning the terms of what emotion is. and then helping your Children develop that so open that up, be present in the moment, studying those energy drains and express and, and build in time for you to get social time with your kids, but also time to recharge understand again, you don't have to know everything, allowing, things to change and it's ok. 

But they are truly like, but they have this wicked sense of humor. It's so sarcastic. and I'll say, and not being ok with the inner person thinking everyone is stupid, but knowing that you're never going to say that out loud. And only five can understand that and laugh hysterically because fives have this thing that generally most people, they're not stupid.

But it's, it's this feeling that man, what is wrong with you because they just know so much so be patient as your kids are looking and, and so you think it internally they all do. But you know, just, and if anything let people help you and ask questions yourself as well and, and one thing we talk about things not to tell people if you have a five friend or a five spouse, be careful about pointing out when they don't know something.

It's real because they always something when they're like, I don't know and I can't figure this out to pepper them with questions or be like, well, I can't believe you don't know this that really gets them so good for them. Yeah. Yeah. Ok. Sevens. We all love sevens. My very best friend in the entire world is a seven.

We don't, don't make anxious sixes. We skip six.

My notes were wrong. Oh my gosh. Sixes. I love you. I love you. Sixes. We do. Sixes, the loyalist. I am loyal to you. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I always do that when I'm going around. It's, I'm trying to remember all the numbers. But yeah, our sixes are responsible, engaging worst case scenario. Thinkers, you got an emergency. You depend on the six because they have an answer. Just know they'll fall apart at the end. But during this crisis they got it. People if they have it, they are our protectors as parents, they are supportive and Children feel really safe and someone they count on with a six as a mom.

I mean, y'all are, y'all have everything planned out. You are supportive and y'all speaking of sense of humor, Sixes are hilarious. Oh my goodness. I love Sixes. They have the best sense of humor. And so yeah, they may be anxious but they are so funny. Love it. And so you keep lots of fun with your family.

Yeah. Yeah. What challenges do they experience or could they be experiencing?

So they go into anxiety a lot. They have a lot of, they have the fear of fear. And so they really Children brings complete fear as moms. We know we all have fears. Every type has fear and fear for our Children is just innate and so they become can become very overprotective, not letting their Children do things, afraid to let their Children take risks. they can go overboard even making their Children feel smothered. They also don't trust other people very much.

And so they have a hard time letting other people watch their Children and separate from their Children. But just a special note with sixes, there are actually two type of 6, we call it phobic and counterphobic. So just remember some sixes, if you're that counterphobic, you will lean into fear and kind of be like, let's go conquer this and almost push your Children into conquering the fear.

So there's two types, the ones that over jump into fear and then the ones that over, I did not know that about sixes.

That's why people mistype sometimes because they'll miss type eight sometimes. But it's, they're counterphobic and they will just be like, you know what, I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Let's just go hit it head on. So be aware of that too. You could be a six and have lots of fears you're just more willing to face than the one the typical who has plans in place.

Right. Right. So what would your tips for sixes be?

So when you're starting to feel stressed with you find schedules are changing new and unexpected situation. Your kids aren't respecting you. People are questioning you. Sixes have a committee with 1000 opinions in their head. So part of it is is realizing when your anxiety hits, allowing all the voices to talk to you, we, I call it a committee.

Have a go, go sit in the conference room with all your, I love that commercial that came out with the lady with all her sides. That's such what goes on in the six's mind. So when you're worried, when you're trying to make a decision with your kids, you'll hear your mother in law's voice, your husband's voice, your mom's voice, the expert, your friends listen to all of them, then tell everyone that that's great information.

You're the CEO and then make your decision. So taking, being willing to take advice. But then doing what and trust that you've done good things in the past and you are capable of making a good decision. letting your Children have some independence purposely adding some risk in your life. And that is hard. 

But just realizing that without scaring yourself, that risk is part of life every time we get in the car, every time we live in a house with electricity, I mean, and you allow yourself to go through the worst case scenario. you know, you're going to, as you're walking down the street going be thinking what happens if a coyote attacks me right now? Well, I'll do this, this and this and then you're like, what if the car runs off on the curve?

How am I gonna grab my child? Go through those scenarios but then allow yourself to have fun, make time for having fun with your kids and you are the authority, you know what's best for your kids don't always have to push into what everyone else says.

Yeah. So really, I feel like for six is just letting yourself being ok with the fact that like you are having this anxiety and that you need to go through this worst case scenario, letting yourself have that moment to move through it instead of maybe trying to move around it or pushing it under the rug. Yes.

And please don't tell a six not to fear or don't worry, just don't worry about it. Not a thing to say to say. How can I help? What can we do to get through this? So those are the things. All right now to our fun sevens now.

Seven. Yes. Yes, I already did my intro to seven. My very best friend in the world is the seven and a fantastic mother. Let's, yeah, start us off with, with some of the general parenting characteristics.

So they are energetic, fun loving, they love to explore life. They light up a room always strive to create fun. I mean they are in for the adventure. They, their Children they have, they have a child like nature themselves so they can really connect to their kids very deeply because it's really about digging into what you want and just experience life to the fullest and not hiding.

So they, they are extremely optimistic man. They are always positive. We have to love our sevens. And they're leaders too though. They have really strong goals too. Threes and sevens work well together. because they have huge goals too. they just have 5 billion of things they want to accomplish in a day.

What challenges might they experience?

Well, that's, it's really hard. They avoid emotion at all costs or thoughts even. They don't like negative thoughts. So they have the missing out. They may do too much. if you have a child or a quieter boy, I mean, in a new world, a quiet child, a child that is quieter are very, gets overwhelmed. Seven mom can really throw them off because they're always let's go, let's do seven, right?

Ask if the family really wants to do 25 Advent calendar activities at Christmas or if they want to take a three week vacation and go to do something every single day, they just assume everyone wants that. And it's really the challenge is, is you, your child may not want that and then they struggle with mundane task.

A lot of times, cooking, cleaning, housekeeping. Just the basics of parenting can sometimes overwhelm them and spousal issues. They like to be the fun cop and they take the spouse or other people to be disciplinarian and that can, that can cause some issues with them.

Yeah. Yeah. What would your suggestions or tips for growth be for them?

So when sevens start feeling extremely fear missing out really adventurous. Just hate routines running around, doing everything and want to experience life at its fullest and always overdo everything. That's a sign you need to take a step back. realize that you're overwhelmed that your way of dealing with things is let's go do and so be ok with sitting in discomfort, practice sitting with your thoughts rather than avoiding them.

So if you're having a bad day journal meditate, be still and allow yourself to open up. Same with your Children. Make sure you're taking time each day to see. Do, do your kids need anything? Are they having thoughts? It's not always about the fun. Are the adventure and sometimes fun is building a business or decorating the house? It's not always just, I mean, there can be project based so don't think because you're, you know, and then you don't always have to be a DH D a lot are, but you don't have to be hyper to be a seven. 

There are some quieter sevens. So just realize it's it's constant project desires and really implementing routines and structures. So I know you have great podcast on that. There are listening and they hate structure and routine but getting it in place and limitations, you've got to set limitations. You can only add and get people's advice, ask your kids what they want to do on vacation or not.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought I was a seven for quite a while. I thought I was a seven wing eight. and I, I, I just resonate a lot with, with sevens.

Yeah, sevens and threes, like I said, they can really be a similar sevens. Just are way more optimistic and way more like, just fun all the time. They're fine but they don't have deep friendships a lot of times. So, find, that's the other thing, finding so a mom you can be in a deep relationship with, helps that you're willing and threes and sevens can bring out that vulnerability, but you'll have to watch that because y'all will just be surface and accomplishing stuff. Get deep.

Yeah. Yeah, we do get deep. That is something. Absolutely. She has been my best friend since I was three years old and our moms are also best friends. So lots and lots of history.

That is awesome. That's what you need. That's what as moms, we have to stick together and bring out the best in our personalities.

Yeah. So, all right. Ok. Oh my gosh. I can't believe we're already on eight. I know you're here. So I, ok. So I thought I was a seven wing eight and then I also thought I was an eight wing seven. Yeah. So talk to us about, about eights are, are commonly known as Challengers.

Yes, they are Challengers. I have another name for eight. I call them passionate protectors. I, oh, I love that they are passionate protectors. As well. I just can't, I, it, you know, I, I, poor eights get the bad side of the, I mean, they are always, I think there's certain personalities that we put negative traits on sometimes five, sometimes one.

And I think eights get some of the real, oh, they're so headstrong. They're steamrollers. They, but we could not, this world would not exist without a mean, we could not, they are so decisive, they're resilient, they're leaders, they are amazing friends. They will fight for the oppressed and disadvantaged, they will keep things in control man. These mamas watch the mama bears because you go after a IDS child, you better be ready.

And, and, and if you go at anyone else's child, you better be ready. So they are firm. Their Children learn personal responsibility, accountability, they know their parents have their back. They really, they can be protective but they also push their child to face challenges and resilience. They want them to keep going. So they work well for to push Children to reach their dreams. They are amazing, amazing parents too.

Yeah. Yeah. I have another good mom friend who is an eight and she is fabulous. a terrific mom. Anyway, OK.

So challenges for a S yes and eights really challenge some of it is balancing their strong protective nature with allowing their Children to be independent with more control. Boy, you get a defiant child with an eight, there are some sparks that can fly. An, IDS really struggle with not being in control. They struggle if their child has a weakness, they want it to be a strength.

They have big personalities and sometimes their kids can feel overshadowed. They are, they're encouraging but sometimes they can also be judgmental and so it causes some disproportion in the house sometimes depending on the spousal, the family dynamics, family dynamics with in laws, you know that because of the just strong personality we call, you know, the thing is we need people to clear the road, we need, they call them snow plows a lot of times like we need them to clear the road. 

They do good things, but I promise you eight are the most loving kind people, but they have no idea how strong they come on and they really can scare people or overwhelm people. And so their challenge sometimes is to pull back and not be so intense.

Right. Right. So how can they do that or what are your tips for them?

So be aware, they also hate being betrayed.

So when you start feeling like people are betraying you, you cannot be vulnerable. you, they, they don't wanna talk about emotions either. So you start noticing if your Children start lying to you a lot or you think because they're afraid of you, you can realize you're putting too much control excess and I got to control everything. So really, it's about practicing vulnerability, learning emotions, digging into emotions.

Find your seven friend, y'all can explore emotions together. Same with your three. Dig in, really figure out what emotions are. You have an amazing instinct, you're in the instinct realm. So trust your gut instincts, but be willing to process emotions as you go through it, learn to collaborate, balance your strong leadership with the willingness to listen and co Cooper don't be pt a president all the time.

You know, you have to be in control. You can just step back or feel like when something goes wrong, you immediately go on the attack, take time to gather information in which you can go into a 58 and five or five researching, researching that and let your Children make decisions, ask your children's opinion, ask your spouse their opinion, watch your anger. So learning how to deal with your anger because anger comes in when you feel betrayed.

And it's your, it's your emotion that you go to. And so that's just really giving independence to other people and being the protector, but giving time for people to your Children, especially to solve problems. And don't be that strong parent sometimes if you're going up to the school or yelling at other moms or not on purpose, but you're just be aware of your Children how that affects your Children.

Right. Right. eight. Y'all are great. Y'all are great.

Like they are like, I have some eight friends and I mean they, and if, if you need someone to help you fight for someone, I have several friends and one, she fought for her kids who struggled with abilities and different things and then she knows the answers like a five and, and she will help you fight though. She will go with you. She will do what she needs to do. And so if you ever need somebody to fight with you or just support you, man, those eights are there, love them.

All right. Last but not least we have nines, talk to us about our parenting characteristics and our lovely nines.

So nines, there's a reason like I said, I do them last even though their biggest longings to feel their presence matters and we're always last and always because we're quiet but we want to matter. and I'm also a nine and so I talk about it last just because it is my personality type. And so it keeps me from talking too long. because I love nine, it took me a long time to figure out I was a nine.

So nines are natural, they're flexible, they're accommodating, they're natural mediators, they're very laid back as parents. But the problem is is we miss type a lot of times nines take a while you because we merge into whatever we need to be. So clients will find people, they'll think they're something else because they just, they merge into whoever's around them. So as a parent, they're usually very easygoing, nurturing, they avoid conflict.

So their houses are very peaceful, struggle with procrastination and asserting themselves. But their Children are so deeply understood and they are so good at approaching problems with creative thinking and humor and usually their kids are really allowed to be who they want to be. So, Children of nines feel very supported and understood most of the time.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

What challenges do nines face nines chase.

Biggest thing is they don't like conflict. So they are constantly bowing down to what other people are doing. They're the peacemaker. So sometimes they don't let things be expressed in the household or don't let their Children express. They also don't like being uncomfortable. So they think their Children shouldn't be uncomfortable. So a lot of times if someone, well, what's wrong, how can we fix this? Why are you so sad? 

Let's, you know, they, they'll tend to want to fix everything for their kids and they'll get exhausted emotionally because they truly don't even know what they want. Nines just don't know what they want and won't express themselves. And so that can, that can cause a lot of conflict, but don't think that nines are pushovers. Yeah, because they have a rebellious, very passive-aggressive side and they'll go into their age. So they will explode. They, they, they are moms that will yell and scream and then be like, oh my goodness.

I can't believe I just did that and then, which is probably like the chameleon side of them.

Yeah. Yeah. So last time I'll ask you this question, what are your tips for nines to move away from their challenges and to move into a more thriving scenario?

Yeah. So with their challenges, you know, like we said, they struggle to say no as well. They become emotionally exhausted. Nines do a thing what we call sloth. It's not laziness, but it's a shutdown mode. So when they get overwhelmed or have to make too many decisions, they'll just stop. or they'll get extremely obsessed with small things like reorganizing a pantry that does not need to be organized right then.

So be aware that when this comes on, you're getting stressed when you feel yourself sliding, slowing down, canceling plans, making excuses. which is sometimes ok because we've said yes to too much because we don't. So what you need to learn is how to be willing to have conflict in your home, how to have conversations. Now, some nines feel comfortable at home.

I I will say I'm married to a five who's withdrawal. I'm actually pretty domineering in my household. I will fight but then I get really try to fix everything. So just find times you can talk and it's not right before bed, find times to deal with conflict. There's lots of books and things out there on how to resolve conflict. It's not bad and teach your Children how to express themselves.

Don't just avoid everything. watch procrastination, get some sort of system in place, routines in place, assert yourself with other people, set boundaries for yourself. Give yourself permission to say no, same as with, with twos. and not twos and nines will often mistype for each other. 

But notice when you're zoning out and procrastinating and you'll even to the point where you'll avoid your Children at times and it's just like go watch the, just, just go do something be careful of that and really learn to set boundaries and not merge into your children's lives as they get older, learning to let go and nines have a hard time as we move, our kids start leaving the nest. We don't know who we are. We don't know what because everything has been about everyone else. Same as two, a lot of times. So find your own dreams. Figure out what you want.

Terry. Oh my gosh, this has been nothing. Sh You did not let me down. My expectations were high for this conversation.

Mine appreciates that she wants to matter, you know.

Yes. And I truly mean it I have one last question for you that I asked all guests on the show. Do you have a life or a happiness hack that you use in your own life that listeners might want to adopt in their own.

Well, I will say for the longest time, I would not share this with anyone because I felt as a nine, I felt like I was so weird and out. So this is for people who have trouble with momentum. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, just cleaning the house or doing things. I use the power of randomness. So I have apps on my phone that randomly pick numbers, they randomly pick rooms, they randomly pick colors.

Some days I literally say, you know, pick a random color and that's the color I'm wearing today. We did a thing called play and clean as when our kids were little is instead of just we, it's hard to clean. So we would play a game, then we would randomly pick a room to clean and we would clean it together, then we would randomly draw a game to play and we play a game and then we would clean.

So we made it fun and took some of the, the choice making and it sounds crazy, but some personalities have trouble even being like, well, do I clean the kitchen first or the game? I just, I just would rather watch TV, with the kids. So really sticking with those routines, but adding some randomness in any of your personalities, those who need to work for spontaneity have five or six activities and randomly pick one and then have to figure it out, you know.

So just add spontaneity and don't and lean into the weirdness of your personalities. Even if it's the awareness of you like a strict routine, that's ok. Find ways to make it fun within your household. So find your uniqueness and go for it.

That's so fun. I love that one. Thank you, Terry. Thank you so, so, so much for being here with us. Where, where can the listeners find you? Where can they connect with you?

Well, you can find me, I'm on Instagram, Facebook at Terry Power Coaching. or even my personal one is Terry Power. This is more my kind of my life we going through. You can also find me at my website, which is Terry Power coaching.com. I do lots of virtual trainings and stuff, helping people reach their goals and lots of different workshops on the ideogram.

So I'm always, I'd like variety. So I'm always doing something new. You can check me out in any of those places. You can also, if you wanna take there's lots of assessments, but I do have on my website as well as a free Ideogram assessment if you would like to take it.

Amazing. Amazing. Oh my gosh, this has been so wonderful. I cannot. Thank you enough. So fun.

You are an amazing and with that being said, listeners, I will be back in your ears next week with another episode of the Think Happy Podcast. Unless actually, I just said that out of habit, there's a pretty good chance that I won't be back in your ears next week because I think after Terry's episode, the show is going on a little break. So sorry for that mean spoil or that mean trick that I just gave you guys. Ok. Bye.