EP 96: Overcoming Perfectionism, Procrastination, & People Pleasing | Part 1

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Before we start today's episode, I want to give you a heads up that this is a two-parter. Tune into part one today, then come back next week for part two. Enjoy. Hey, I'm Kaitlin Cuevas, the girl behind all things Think Happy. I'm a wife, mom of two cute and crazy kiddos, and a lover of Golden Doodles, cheesy analogies and pump-up music. I've taught hundreds of women what I'm here to teach you, and that's how to reduce your daily stress, decrease your unproductive time, and most importantly, increase the amount of time you have to pour into you. Join me each week as we dive into topics such as time and task management, increasing productivity, building habits and routines, keeping your cup full, and so, so much more. Welcome to the Think Happy Podcast.

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Hello and welcome back to the Think Happy Podcast. I am smiling ear to ear right now because today I am joined by just a true gem for an insanely relatable conversation about what she calls the three P's. Those are procrastination, people pleasing and perfectionism.

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I mean talk about relatable. You are in for such a treat. But before I introduce you to our guests, I have two exciting announcements. First, episode 100 of the Think Happy podcast is just around the corner. And we're going to be celebrating the whole week of October first. So I'm going to be doing giveaways Monday through Friday, October second through October sixth. So there's going to be giveaways from various ladies and small businesses that you've heard on the show before. I'm talking free coffee beans donated by Kirby and Luke from Kirbeans, a free session with Carly from Balanced Mom Nutrition, a free consultation with Katie Hillburn Interiors, a free DIY plan from Jordan over at Wildly Organized, a free session with stress coach Elizabeth from Emotionally Healthy Legacy and Drumroll. Two weeks free inside of Think Happy's newest program in community called Mom Life. So you can start entering now to enter for one of these giveaways, leave a rating and a review on iTunes and Spotify. Each rating and review on each individual platform counts as a unique entry. So that means you can have up to two entries. So take a screenshot of your rating and review and DM it to me on Instagram to officially be entered to win one of these amazing giveaways.

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And be sure to screenshot before you publish the review because it might take a day or two for the actual review to be visible. Now, that's the first announcement. Second announcement, the waitlist for Mom Life is open. Mom Life is, like I already said, Think Happy's newest community and coaching program. It is geared 100% to moms. And here's what it's all about. It's all about helping moms optimize time, get through endless to-do lists, build sustainable routines for moms and for families, and on keeping moms' cup full. To get all of the info on mom life, go to thinkhappyco.com/mom-life-waitlist. So inside of Mom Life, you're going to be learning things such as optimizing your time specifically for moms, getting through to-do lists and task management, again, specifically for moms, building sustainable routines for moms and families, and keeping moms cup full because you serve others better when you serve yourself first. Now, membership is monthly, so there is no need to worry about long term commitments. And inside each month of membership, you will receive ongoing access to the on-demand course hub. It's super similar to course hubs you have access to for parenting classes like taking care of babies.

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You'll also get one monthly private coaching call, which is going to be great for creating a plan to start implementing some of the things that you learn in the course hub. You'll also get a week of private messaging with myself. That's going to be awesome for when you're actually in it with implementing the new habits, practices, systems, routines, et cetera. And you will also receive daily group messaging, which is going to be amazing for building community with other moms who are in the same boat as you and just for continued support, for continued and encouragement, okay? So for all of the information and to get just like an insider's look at the program, go to thinkhappyco.com/mom-life-waitlist. All righty, now the time has come for me to introduce you to our gem of a guest. It is truly my pleasure to introduce you to Dawn Calvinisti. Dawn comes from a background of natural health and has owned multiple businesses as a doula, a childbirth educator, a homeopath, and eventually an essential oil-based network marketing business. Dawn spent seven years building this business to multiple six figures and reached the top three % of leaders in just under three years.

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She loves to coach ambitious women who are looking to reach the next level, whether that is in their business or their personal lives. As a recovering people pleaser, perfectionist and procrastinator herself, Dawn launched her podcast, Perfection and Progress, along with a membership site to create community and provide accountability for women who want to move away from these three P's and to find more joy and less stress in life. Without further ado, here is part one of my conversation with Dawn.

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Hello, Dawn. I'm so happy to have you here with us on The Think Happy Podcast. How are you doing today?

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I'm doing great, Kaitlin. I was so looking forward to having this time with you.

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Oh, I so appreciate that. So the listeners know, Dawn and I are now going to have been on each other's podcasts. So with that being said, Dawn, let's start, introduce yourself. Who are you? And tell us about your own show also, because I think that the Think Happy listeners will love your show as well.

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Absolutely. Well, I am Dawn Calvinisti. I'm the mom of three kids and a wonderful husband. Not that I'm the mom of him, although there are days. But I have a podcast called Perfection and Progress. I really have come up through an entrepreneurial journey my entire life since I was 16. And I love, at the end of it, I love helping women realize that life can be joyful every single day and that we get to choose what we create. And if there are things holding you back, I can help you through them. And so that's really what lights me up as a coach. It's what my podcast is about in helping people with the three P's, which are people pleasing, perfectionism and procrastination, because often those are things that hold us back or keep us stuck. That's what I'm about. That was what my journey was, was coming through those, and that's where I really focus on. And a lot of times, I'm just going to throw this in as well, a lot of times those also bring in anxiety or worry. And so my crowd tends to be the three P's and a bit of anxiety and worry throw it in there.

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Yeah. I feel like there are seasons of my life where I fall into various combinations of what you call the three P's. And I just think it's so clever, the marketing side in me is like, Oh, my gosh. Yeah, the three P's. That's awesome. So they're people pleasing, procrastination and perfectionism. Can story? I know that on your show you talk about how you're recovering from the three P's. Tell us your story about that.

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Sure. So I grew up in a family that there was a lot of pressure to be just right. And sometimes it was expectations by my parents. But I grew up in a family that my parents had a job where everybody looked to them and watched us and was aware of how their children behave. And their jobs actually seemed to be almost relied on us all looking really perfect as a family. And so that put a ton of pressure. It was like living in a fishbowl and especially as a teenager, feeling like I could be a detriment to my own parents job was a lot to carry. Not that they ever said that to me, not that they ever said that. But I think that's where things started. You want to people please them to make sure everybody's happy. Everybody thinks that you're well behaved, you're doing the right things, you're getting the good grades, you're hanging with the right people, you have the right look. So all of that was really important. And eventually I realized I can't do it. The pressure is intense. I can't do it. So I went through a really rebellious phase and blew all that off and totally the opposite direction.

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But as things leveled out in my 20s, the thing that was the hardest was I was still looking to others to decide who I was and if I was fitting in and was I good enough? Was I perfect enough? And so that's my journey really never changed much until after I had my first couple of kids. And at that stage, the ideal to be the perfect mom, to do the right thing, to tell my kids the right thing, to parent them the right way, to make sure that I was doing all the stuff everybody else was doing, and is this what everybody else is doing? It was just overwhelming. And I went into really very deep anxiety. And that's what started the journey of I can't stay like this. I can't live like this.

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It's not sustainable, not a healthy place to be. Yeah. Yeah. As I'm sitting here, I'm drinking the most delicious cup of Kirbeans coffee. Kirbeans is a wife and husband duo who turned their passion for coffee into a business. They are so sweet and it makes me so happy seeing their business thrive. Now, let me tell you why Kirbeans is thriving. To put it simply, it's because their coffee is amazing. Think Happy has had the honor of getting to pick a Think Happy Signature roast. These dark, roasted, Mexico beans smell like a good day waiting to happen. When brewed, they create the smoothest cup of coffee you have ever tasted. And it is even still good after being preheated. If you're like me and frequently get pulled away from your coffee, you know that's important. And I have a special treat for you. Think Happy listeners receive 15% off their order of cur beans. Head to Kirbeans.com. Kirbeans Coffee. Kirbeans is spelled K-I-R-B-E-A-N-S, and use code Think Happy at checkout for your 15 % discount. Again, that's Kirbeans Coffee code Think Happy for 15% off.

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Yeah. So as you were talking about growing up, it made me wonder. Well, first of all, do you have siblings?

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I do. I have a younger sister.

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Okay, so you're the oldest. That was what I kept thinking. I wonder if she's the oldest. Do you see women struggling with the three P's more... Do you see it more prevalent in certain order of siblings? Do older siblings struggle with it more or do you see any pattern like that?

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Yeah. I love birth order and it could be a whole podcast on its own, right? We should do that. We totally should talk birth order. I've done a lot of studying on it. So older siblings, absolutely. Only siblings, absolutely. Any child after a large gap of five years or more, absolutely. Firstborn of either sex, so either gender does not matter, absolutely. Those are the ones that are more often the perfectionists.

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Wow, I feel that a lot. I'm the oldest of three girls. Actually, funny enough, my husband is the youngest of three boys. Our birth orders are vastly different. I do also think it's comical that one of three girls, one of three boys. But anyway, okay, so we're going to have to bookmark that and come back to do an episode about birth order because it fascinates me. And I love that you've spent time researching it. Let's get back to the three P's because that's what we're here to talk about today.

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I am a huge believer that in order to truly change a habit or a tendency that you have, such as leaning into people-pleasing, procrastination, whatever it might be, in order to truly change something like that, you need to address the root of it. And if not, you're just addressing the symptoms and putting a bandaid on and putting a bandaid on. So this leads me to ask, what do you think the root is of why women fall into perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination? Let's hit perfectionism first.

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Yeah. I'm going to clarify and tell you that all three of these fall under perfectionism because the reality is... When I say perfectionism, I think of the highly driven person. So that's my idea of perfectionism. But when I talk about people pleasing, we're also trying to be perfect for someone else or to be perfect, like how we want them to be or we want them to be perfect either way. When it comes to procrastination, we tend to fall into perfectionism because if it's not perfect, we won't put it out, so we hedge. Does that make sense?

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Yeah.

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So I think the root of all of these are slightly different. Like you said, you've been in different... Different of these at different times of life, and sometimes they're in combination. And I do believe we have to find out what the main thoughts are underneath it. There's not always going to be an absolute root in this, because, again, some of it could have been established so young that we don't know the initial time. But we might know that we tend to go to like, I didn't do this good enough. I can't put this out. What will people think of me? Other people are doing this and mine isn't to that standard. So whatever those thoughts are and they're never positive. They're never like, "Good job". That's so awesome. You could totally throw that out there.

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You knocked it out of the park. Yeah, exactly. You don't need to add anything to that. It's perfect the first time. We really have to look at what are the reoccurring thoughts that happen in these departments and what are the feelings that come up. I think feelings is the key because we know every time we go to do something. So whether it's to sit down to write an email, if you're doing an email, if it's to go and do the dishes, if it's to go and pick something up at the store, if it's that I need to make this phone call, if there's a feeling that comes up with it and you either procrastinate and you put it off, find something else to do, suddenly get really busy on Facebook, or you have a feeling like, I just need to know a little more. I just need to learn a little more. I just need to tweak this a little more. If those are the things that come up, right away there's something there that's stopping you from actually getting to the goal. That's where we can look at the thoughts and say, okay, where did I first start to feel like that that I can remember? When did I first start to have those feelings like, this isn't good enough to put out.

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I don't know if I'm ready. Where did that come up? Was it when you're in preschool? Was it when you're in high school? Were you really young? And what were the situations?

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Yeah. What's so interesting to me, and now that you've said that perfectionism, like people-pleasing and procrastination are all forms of perfectionism. It's so true because.

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As I sit there and think about times... So obviously when I get in a bad spot is when I really start to notice myself leaning into perfectionism and leaning into procrastination and people-pleasing. By nature, I am not a procrastinator. But if I start to feel this procrastination coming, I can almost always identify that there's some fear surrounding like, Well, I'm not going to do it well enough. No one's going to want to listen to me. No one's going to want to read my content. I'm not going to be successful in this. And it's perfectionism, rooted in some fear of not doing it well enough, of not being good enough.

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Man this is good stuff. This is some really good stuff. Because simultaneously, while you were also talking about that, just thinking of myself growing up, like you had said, my parents were never parents sitting there telling us, You have to be perfect. You have to make straight A's and be the best student-athlete and all this stuff. No, never. But somewhere along the way, there was a story that I formed in my head that was telling me, even though they're not saying that, I need to do that. And truthfully, I don't really know when that would have happened. I can remember in high school feeling like that surrounding sports.

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But I'm going to have to sit down and really dig deep to figure out maybe some of the root times if I can isolate those.

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Here's another thought on this as well, because maybe you don't think of any and people who are listening don't think of any particular person in the family or a situation that felt like somebody put something on them. But did you watch others around you be praised for them doing good? Did their teachers say, "Look it, he got a straight A". "Check this out." "Way to go, John. Awesome job." Or when it was a dance class, did this girl who was so good always get the lead parts? Did people get lauded for being the best? So it might not even been you, but you formed the story watching others.

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Yeah, seeing other people get praised for things that they were doing better, quote-unquote, better than you. Yeah. What a great way to tweak the way that you're thinking about that.

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Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Think Happy Podcast. I would so appreciate it if you could leave a rating and review. And if you just can't get enough, find me on Instagram @thinkhappy_co. That's CO. And online at thinkhappyco.com. I'll be back in your ears next week with another episode of The Think Happy Podcast.